What if You Gave Yourself Permission?

As I speak with women in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, one question keeps coming up:

What’s next?

And it’s such an important question, especially as we rise in age.

But I believe that before we can really answer “What’s next?” there may be one action we need to master, and that is giving yourself permission to put yourself first and to give you the freedom to consider all your possibilities.

For many women, learning how to do this one action first requires learning to think differently about where we place ourselves in the hierarchy of importance. 

How Do We Start Thinking Differently?

Many of us have spent decades being responsible for other people.

We know how to take care of our families. We show up for work. We help friends. We solve problems. We keep things moving.

And after years of doing that, putting ourselves first can feel almost unnatural.

There’s actually research that helps explain some of this. Psychologists use the term self-silencing to describe the tendency to suppress our own needs or wishes in order to maintain relationships or meet expectations. Research has shown that women, in particular, can internalize the idea that being “good” means putting other people first.

So maybe the discomfort we feel when we begin choosing ourselves isn’t proof that we’re selfish.

Maybe it’s simply the discomfort of learning a new way of thinking.

It’s Time - Put Yourself on the List

Imagine for a moment that taking care of yourself didn’t feel selfish.

Imagine that making time for something you wanted to do didn’t require an explanation.

Imagine considering your own needs with the same care you’ve spent years giving everyone else.

What would change?

Maybe you would take the class.

Maybe you would make more time for creativity.

Maybe you would go on a retreat and find a new community.

Or maybe you would simply give yourself permission to rest, think, dream, and decide what you want this next chapter to look like.

Putting yourself on the list doesn’t mean everyone else suddenly comes off of it.

It means you finally belong there too.

Permission Doesn’t Mean Pretending It’s Easy

I know it's not always easy to just do it - because life is complicated.

Responsibilities, financial considerations, family obligations, fear, and years of conditioning tell us to put self-care after everything else.

And let’s face it: everything else is rarely completely done.

Giving yourself permission doesn’t magically remove those realities.

It simply changes the conversation.

Instead of asking, “Can I really do this?”

You begin asking, “How can I make room for something new instead?”

It's Okay Not To Be 100% Ready

Sometimes we think we have to figure out our entire What’s Next? before we make a move.

You don’t.

You don’t need a perfect plan, you just need to start the process.

Begin by allowing yourself to become curious again.

Ask yourself, what sounds interesting? What do you miss? What have you been quietly wanting to try?

Research on women in midlife also points to the value of self-compassion—learning to treat ourselves with greater kindness instead of constant judgment. That matters because figuring out what’s next often requires us to be beginners again, change our minds, or try something that may not work exactly as planned.

There is a beautiful freedom in exploration.

Your Next Step Can Be Tiny

Sometimes the idea of change seems scary and hard because we think the first step needs to be enormous.

It doesn’t.

If you want more time for yourself, start with an hour.

If you want more community, attend one gathering.

If you want to create, dedicate an afternoon making something.

If you want to explore a new direction, have one conversation.

Small steps matter because they begin to teach you something very important:

I can choose myself too.

And the more often you practice that choice, the more natural it can begin to feel.

So, What’s Next?

If this is feeling all too daunting, try taking these three small steps as a starting point:

Step 1. Make the decision to put yourself on the list.

Step 2. Give yourself a little space and grace to consider what you want (daydream, meditate, go on a long walk).

Step 3. Don't worry if other people don't understand or agree. This is about giving yourself permission and not the approval of others.

You are on a journey. Take one small step forward, then another, and you’ll begin to see that your “what’s next” starts to become clear as you stop waiting for permission from everyone else and begin giving it to yourself. 

Author

Cat Valyi - Your guide to thriving while Rising in Age

CEO & Co-founder of Women With Dynamic Purpose